July 19, 2007
Today I talked to my mentor about doing too much. Why do I take on the world and then regret it later. Is it that ongoing sense of feeling unimportant and that all the activity will somehow create a world of significance of who I am?
What do I think I am doing when all the tea in China couldn't make a dent in the endless suffering which is occurring in this crazy world. How do I figure out my purpose (that this is a delusion?), when the purpose is what I create in my life for me. How do I come to the conclusion that my work is never done and never will be done, at what point do we say it's finished? When is my reason for being here just enough the way it is? So many questions, no time to ponder, just on-going relentless business and no relief in sight and it's all done by my own hand and need for more cash, more importance, more experience, what I don't even know. I just work myself too damn hard and then later feel fried and pissed off, which is no good for anyone.

So on to the next day of hell? Is this anyway to live? Where is the joy, the love and the happiness. What have I created is a monster rut and I don't know what to do. Am I in Hell?????????